Forbidden Kisses
by gayeffie
Summary: Lavinia meets Mary... a friendship forms, neither woman understood their attachment to the other. From Ep 1 of Season 2 onwards, with spoilers, created, extended and rewritten scenes. Alternate Ending for Mary and Lavinia, perhaps even extended. Ch 6 up
1. Author's Note

_Author's Note_

_Readers,_

_I was originally going to make this all my own, with no scenes from the actual show, as I hadn't seen them yet. But, I have seen them now, and the scenes between Mary and Lavinia are breathtaking, full of potential… stuff, and I'm going to use them to my advantage. The one thing Julian Fellowes has given me…_

_This has been swirling around in my mind for a long time, and has taken even longer to plan it all out and write it down. Surprisingly, I have actually never written a romance story between two women (save for 'Feel', the lead-up to this). And I say, I am very proud that this (and that) was it. 'Forbidden Kisses' is an alternate and extended (by a long shot) version of 'Feel'…but read it, if you like this, you'll love that one. And 'All We Have Is Now', but I haven't quite finished it, I am doing it bit by bit, bear with me…_

_I AM a fierce Mary and Matthew shipper; I just loved this idea and decided to share it with you guys. Don't make me regret it._

_Don't anyone think I make Matthew out to be the bad guy; in this chapter or any following. He could never be that, not in any world. This is a story about Mary and Lavinia. Yes, a romance._

_This is NOT an "I think I fancy her, maybe I'm a lesbian, let's kiss and find out" story. I don't write that shit. This is about Lavinia being in love with Mary, (and her feelings being reciprocated) but not realising it (of course she didn't, there wasn't even a word for it back then). I know I said this in my Author's note for 'Feel', I do hate repeating myself, but sometimes the situation calls for it._

_And, a disclaimer for this entire fic._

_I do not own Downton Abbey. I know what would be happening if I did, and that has not (and will never happen) thanks to Fellowes._

_I hope you like Forbidden Kisses. I know I've worked hard on it, and I hope it shows._

_Thank you,_

_x kissthespider26_


	2. Chapter 1

_I am writing this with help from the actual TV episodes, but am striving to make it my own. I do change dialogue around a bit here and there, and write my own scenes…_

_This is from Lavinia's Point Of View, maybe it's because I have never written for someone quite like her… _

_Here it is, at long last. Forbidden Kisses._

_Episode__ One_ - 1916

**Forbidden Kisses**

_Lavinia POV_

The car jolted slightly, and I clenched my hands into fists. Matthew sat next to me, and his mother Isobel sat across from us, she had asked me to call her by her first name, as I was to be her daughter-in-law, but I still felt nervous when I spoke to her. Actually, I felt nervous quite a bit, if not, all the time these days…

"Are you all right?" Matthew asked me. I turned my head to see him, and his eyebrows were drawn together, he seemed worried.

"Just nerves. Nothing to worry about." Matthew and I never spoke that much… he was often in France… at war.

He smiled and looked back toward the driver, and I looked out the window. Out of the darkness, from what I could see, large trees towered over the road, and rolling fields of grass led to the daunting magnificence of Downton Abbey. My throat suddenly felt tighter, and I twisted my fingers together.

The car was parked, and Matthew helped his mother out first, and then me. I strained my neck looking up to the very top of the castle, to see the flag, almost invisible in the night, and had to hold back a gasp, whether of admiration or fear, I didn't know. Light spilled from the open doorway, and Matthew stepped in, his mother at one side of him, me at the other. An imposing man, his head proudly held high, in a servant's livery, he must have been the butler, was taking people's coats, and stopped as he saw Matthew.

His jaw hardened, and he said stiffly, "Welcome back, Mister Crawley…" with a curt nod.

"Hello Carson. It's been a while." I saw Matthew smile at the man, although his greeting seemed warmer than the one he had received. I took off my coat and gave it to the butler, thanking him, and walked with Matthew and his mother to the hall. The doors were open, and a band was playing on a stage. There were chairs set up, and people everywhere, it was a concert to raise money for the war effort.

We stepped into the hall. I could feel my hands shaking…

"It's awfully grand." was all I could say, for much want of a more appropriate description, it was absolutely beautiful.

"Well, you'd better get used to it… it'll be your home one day." Matthew looked at me, smiling.

"I'm not sure 'home' would ever be _quite_ the word to describe it." it all seemed so fast, meeting Matthew, the courtship, his proposal… and Downton Abbey. Just the fact he called it my future _home_ made me feel about to shiver…

A man walked towards us, and I felt the fear gripping me. This was the Earl of Grantham. Matthew had told me, and he had said fondly that this man was like a second father to him.

"My dear fellow, welcome back," he shook Matthew's hand, "it's so very good to see you."

"May I present Miss Lavinia Swire?" Matthew let go of the Earl's hand and turned to me, and I could feel myself tremble slightly as I shook his hand, my own was lost in his grasp.

"How do you do, Lord Grantham?" my voice was pitifully fearful, I couldn't help it, but he only smiled and said,

"How do you do, Miss Swire? I presume Isobel has welcomed you into Crawley House? How do you like it?"

"Oh, very much, thank you," I nodded, "this is all so different from my home."

"Yes, very different. I understand that you live in the city?"

"Yes," I finally forced myself to smile; talking about my home would take my mind off things a bit, even if I was speaking to an Earl, I at least knew about London, "I grew up there."

"But do you find Downton to your liking? I suppose it isn't a London house, but it'll do." he joked.

I smiled, he was making an effort to be friendly, it was rather kind of him. Matthew had apologised to me earlier for the pressure of the situation, and had hoped that everyone would be welcoming… although he also said he "couldn't account for _everyone__'__s _behaviour". I did wonder who he meant by that…

"Yes. It's lovely, thank you so much for inviting me…" the truthfulness of my words surprised me, of course I meant them, but I was actually glad to be here, and I didn't feel quite so out of place.

Isobel had been standing by Matthew, and now walked towards a tall, striking woman in a black dress, my own age, she had dark brown hair, and stood alone, looking at us.

"Now, please come this way." Lord Grantham said.

"Thank you." I seemed to say that quite a bit, but what else was there to say?

Lord Grantham went to Isobel, and Matthew smiled at me, and I followed.

The woman stepped forward and took Isobel's hands, and spoke to her, smiling. She then looked up as I stood before her, and held out her hand, "Hello… Miss Swire, I'm Mary Crawley," her voice was soft as my fingers slid against hers, the satin of her glove warmed my hand.

"Of course you are," it was her… " I mean, I've been _longing_ to meet you, because I've heard so much about you from Matthew…" her hand was warm as she held mine, and I heard myself stammer, "That is… uh-" I could feel myself blushing, such a foolish thing to say…

"Nice things, I hope." she smiled, not at me, my hand was let go…

I nodded, they had been nothing _but_ nice, although absently said, and the subject was always changed quickly.

"What else would she hear from me?" Matthew touched my back softly.

Lord Grantham invited me to sit, "Please…"

I stepped away, glancing back at her… her smiles didn't seem real, and her eyes were empty. Matthew hardly ever spoke of her, only to say that they were once involved, they had known each other about two years, and he had proposed, but that it was not to be, and that was all he had said of any romantic relationship between them… she smiled at me, as I turned and walked to my seat.

The music was lovely, except I found myself not focusing entirely on the performance. I wasn't sure how, but I found myself looking at Lady Mary. Her head was turned towards me… she had been watching _me__… _I couldn't look away in time for her not to see me, and for her to think that she caught me staring. The only thing I could do, I couldn't really think, I smiled.

It wasn't out of pity, or mocking, she seemed a lovely woman. She smiled back, it didn't seem kind, or polite, not at all the opposite, though… but there was something else. I could feel the blush in my cheeks again, and looked back to the stage, feeling warmer… I breathed in as the band continued to play.

Lord Grantham stood suddenly, and turned to the back of the hall. There were two women, giving white feathers away…

"_Stop _this at once!" he said, his voice did not shake, he seemed terribly angry; "this is neither the time, nor the place!"

One of the women with the white feathers turned to him, and sneered, "These people should be aware that there are _cowards_ among them!"

"Will you please leave?" there was an instant of dangerous silence, the women did not move, their persistence was like a challenge.

"**_YOU_** are the cowards here, not they!" his voice was like thunder as he pointed to them, he was shaking in anger; I felt about to shake with fear…

One of the women cast a glance to her companion; they both then turned and left. Matthew had stood, and as the Earl prompted the band to continue, he and Matthew exchanged a glance, and they both sat down silently.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

Dinner was rather a full affair, so many people talking amongst themselves, and across the table, I couldn't much keep track of everything that was said.

I was just serving myself when Lord Grantham, who sat next to me, looked round the butler's elbow and spoke.

"How did you and Matthew meet?"

"Oh, in London," he hadn't asked about that earlier in the evening, "My father works in London, so I've always lived there."

I had been to the country a few times too, before my first Season, when I was young, and after, as a lady. I had always found it so lovely, but also so quiet in comparison to the city. It was something I had gotten used to, I had a fondness for the country, and I said so.

"But I love the country, too."

"Oh course you do." the Dowager Countess said.

"Daddy's a solicitor. Like… Matthew." I looked to him pointedly.

"My, my…" she marvelled, "You're _very_ well placed if you're ever in trouble with the law…"

I felt my heart slow for a panic-filled moment…

After that, I rather kept to myself at dinner. Lord Grantham spoke to Matthew's mother, and there were an uneven number of people there, so as I kept silent, fidgeting slightly, everyone else talked to the people next to them, and they were all related, I was the odd one out. And Matthew was talking to Lady Mary… he hadn't spoken of their friendship, or where they stood with each other, but by the looks of things, it seemed they were on speaking terms again.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

I sat with Lady Edith and Lady Mary on the sofa, my glass in my hand.

"I don't know much about life in the country, but I _do _understand how the law works, so I believe I can be helpful to Matthew there." did I sound as if I thought myself important… I did not mean to.

"But you'll be _immensely_ helpful…" Lady Edith complimented, "Don't you think so, Mary?" she turned to her sister.

Mary smiled at me, her eyes kind, "Of course."

The door opened, and a housemaid rushed in, and began thanking Lady Grantham for employing her and approving of her work.

I glanced to the Countess of Grantham. She seemed as confused as we all were, and the butler stepped up to the poor girl, who was unknowingly making a fool of herself, telling her to go back downstairs.

Lady Edith snickered to herself, and I smiled, but did not feel it was kind at all, or something to laugh at… Mary seemed quite unfazed by it all, and I stared down at my lap, feeling nervous once more.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

I stood with the butler, Carson, outside, by the car. Matthew was just inside, talking with Lady Mary. He _was _smiling, so I suppose there would be no more discomfort between them, Matthew hadn't spoken of his hopes that they make peace with each other.

As Matthew turned to leave and strode out the door, I looked up, and Mary saw me. After a moment of me being trapped by her gaze, she turned away and walked out of my line of sight, and I looked down, wondering what could possibly have caused me to stare so rudely.

_TBC_

_There's the first chapter, done. :D Unspeakably happy, and the next chapter is almost finished, please bear with me._

_I would very much like reviews. I know I don't allow anonymous reviews, and it is for a good reason. If you'd like to tell me what you think, you can message (ask) me at my blog, (I do allow anon asks there, the link is on my profile)_

_And I know how many people visit my fanfics and it is hurtful that no one reviews, at least some of them have fanfiction accounts, and so can give signed reviews._

_x kissthespider26_


	3. Chapter 2

_I am writing this with help from the actual TV episodes, but am striving to make it my own. I do change dialogue around a bit here and there, and write my own scenes…_

_I hope you enjoy Chapter 2 (significantly longer than Chapter 1)._

_x_

_Episode__ 2__ – _April, 1917

**Chapter 2**

_Lavinia's POV_

"Mrs Crawley, Captain Crawley, and Miss Swire." was announced by the aloof butler as I walked into the drawing room beside Matthew. It felt as if my name had been tacked on to the last of that sentence, like I was an unexpected and unwelcome guest, but I still smiled as I saw everyone.

Lady Mary had looked towards us as we entered, and looked somewhat surprised… she was a picture in a beaded dress, for some reason, it had me thinking of the wings of a bird, the way the beading splayed out over the dress, across the bodice and around the back…

"Well now," Lord Grantham walked over to us, looking relieved, "Still in one piece, thank God…" he shook Matthew's hand warmly.

I didn't hear the rest of their conversation, as Mary walked over to us, smiling, next to her was a tall gentleman…

My heart stopped in my chest. It was _him._

"Do you know Sir Richard Carlisle?" Mary smiled over his shoulder, "my cousin, Captain Crawley."

Matthew shook Carlisle's hand politely.

"How do you do?" Sir Richard smiled, and his eyes shifted to me. I glanced to Mary, and she blinked, smiling, and looked away…

"And his fiancée, Miss Swire." Lord Grantham offered helpfully, but was almost interrupted as Carlisle spoke.

"I know Miss Swire," his tone was almost rude, how he announced our unfortunate connection, "her uncle and I are old friends."

I forced myself to smile and my voice to appear calm, for my heart was pounding fearfully in my chest as I spoke, "Well, old acquaintances, anyway."

There was a long moment of suspicious silence, until Lord Grantham spoke to Matthew, and I couldn't bring myself to say anything, I only stood there, Sir Richard talked with Matthew's mother, and Mary and I were the only ones with no one to speak to, as I looked over to her, she blushed and looked away, and I found myself doing the same. I felt like I should go over to talk to her, but I was completely at a loss, in a still unfamiliar house… I didn't belong here.

Isobel came over to talk to me, and Mary left to join Sir Richard, who was speaking with her grandmother, the Dowager Countess. I felt useless and unwanted, out of place. And I couldn't help hoping that that would change soon.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

I lifted my fork to my mouth, and as I did, Lady Mary, who sat across the table watching me, smiled. I blushed as I chewed, but could not make conversation with her, her sister Sybil was unofficially the one I was expected to talk to, as I had been seated next to her. She was a lovely girl, and had come to the house for dinner on her night off, but even I could tell she was not much pleased, she seemed to love the work she did as a nurse, and I thought she would do very well.

I had been speaking to her about politics, I had never been much involved, and although Lady Sybil had said she could not be a part of it all as her work at the hospital was far more important.

I had only just started to speak, "I believe that-"

There was a clang and a splash, followed by a cry of shock from Lady Edith. One of the servants had spilled gravy in her lap, and the butler began a hasty apology, and attempted to control the situation, but he began to choke… not on food, he didn't seem to be able to breathe.

Lady Grantham, Lady Sybil and Lady Mary all pushed their chairs back and rushed to his side, he was having a heart attack, or a stroke, or… I had no idea what to do; I just stood there, helpless while the poor man couldn't breathe. Lord Grantham began loosening the butler's tight collar, and Matthew's mother, Lady Mary, Lady Grantham and Lady Sybil all crowded around him, although Isobel and Sybil were the ones who knew what they were doing.

Edith had been told to fetch the doctor, at which point she complained about her stained dress. At this, I felt myself not liking her in the least, the butler may have been dying, and all she cared about was her frock. Mary kept a clear head in all this, and offered to help Carson upstairs, although Sybil took over instead.

The servants, everyone, stood round, shocked at this chaotic turn of events. The butler was helped out of the room by Matthew and Sybil.

I glanced at Mary, who stood at the doorway, she turned back and saw me, but said nothing, she only sat back in her spot across from me, at which point dinner continued, with somewhat less people, Mary staring silently at her plate, and me sitting alone, shocked by this evening's events.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

"Lavinia." Sir Richard's voice came from behind me, and I turned. He walked off the gravel path and over the grass until he was in front of me.

"If you don't mind, I'd prefer if you called me Miss Swire." I couldn't have him seeming too familiar with me, especially around Matthew, or… anybody else.

"Oh," he feigned disappointment, "us being such old friends?" his smile turned dangerous, and I couldn't tell whether I was more irked or frightened by his intentions, which I had no idea what they were.

"Why did you ask to meet me here?" he had cornered me after dinner the night before, and it only took a moment for him to tell me he'd like to _talk_to me. I had hardly slept at all last night after his request, but I didn't dare not show.

"Well, I was just thinking you'd like to remain engaged to the honourable Captain Crawley, after all, it'd be dreadful if he were to break off your engagement." his smile never left his face, and at that moment, I regretted my uncle ever meeting him.

"Is this why you asked me here? To blackmail me? You _know_I only gave you that evidence so as my father wouldn't be-"

"Yes, and it was very _noble_of you. But I find myself wondering if I might be second fiddle to your Matthew, as far as Lady Mary's concerned, and I'd very much appreciate it if you keep him away from my future wife." I did not answer, his eyes did not leave mine, and he then went on, delivering the final blow, "because he _might_just hear of your _unspeakable_… past actions."

So that's all he was doing here. To marry Lady Mary and make a bigger name for himself, instead of an uncouth American hawker of newspaper scandal, as the husband of an English heiress, better still for him, have an English heiress as his wife.

It was disgusting. She deserved better.

"I can't believe you," the words left my mouth, the anger spurred them on, "do you really think so little of us women that we are to obey your every instruction? So Mary is to marry you and I am to be held captive by your knowledge of my family's mistakes and that _I_nowhave to pay the price for silencing you of my past, now you silence _me_. I shan't listen to this."

I made to leave, but he grabbed my arm, "If you so much as breathe a word about me to Lady Mary that is _not_ dripping with respectable admiration, you shall find that my papers will name you as the starter of the Marconi scandal, and Captain Crawley will have ended your engagement, and you will be ruined, no man will _ever_ touch you." his eyes flashed as he spoke those last few words, and I fought back a shudder.

"How _dare_ you threaten me." my voice shook as I spoke the words, they were all I _could_say, but as I spoke, his fingers tightened around my wrist, his grip was almost crushing.

"_How__dare__I_?" his voice was low as he clutched my wrist even harder, it would surely bruise, my eyes were welling up, the pain was- "Oh, I assure you, I dare a great deal more than that."

"But you _can__'__t,_you _wouldn__'__t-__"_

"I didn't say I would. I was merely reminding you it was in my power." he still held my arm, fiercely tightening his grip.

Yes, power. That was all he wanted, and that was what he had, he could devastate my family and ruin me…

Something caught my eye, which made my blood run cold.

Lady Rosamund Painswick, Lady Mary's aunt, was walking up the path, not far from where we stood, Sir Richard still kept me there by his grip on my arm. He turned and released my wrist; it throbbed… and strode toward her. How much had she heard?

"Lady Painswick." Sir Richard greeted her.

"Lady _Rosamund.__" _she corrected him.

"I'm sorry; I'll get these things sorted out before too long." Carlisle apologised.

"It's not important." Lady Rosamund assured him.

I walked up behind Sir Richard, trying my best to smile. She mustn't think we were disagreeing, arguing, _anything_, she could tell someone, she could tell-

"Miss Swire and I were just talking about old times…" he wasn't exactly lying, was he…

"Happy old times, I hope." she did not look away as she spoke.

I nodded, as best I could when I was shaking.

"Will you forgive me; I want to write some letters before dinner." she excused herself, and walked away.

Sir Richard turned back to me slowly; and it took all I had not to run away from the look in his eyes.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

I sniffled in the Crawley's garden, feeling sorry for myself. I knew it was selfish, but with Carlisle's threats of exposure to scandal I none than less deserved, and being so _alone_ all the time…

"Lavinia?"

I looked up to see Mary Crawley, smiling radiantly, and walking towards me.

I wiped away my tears, sniffing, as her smile faded and became a slight frown of concern.

"What's the matter?" she asked me.

"Are you looking for Matthew?" I _was_trying to change the subject, I just felt so weak, and hated anyone to see me cry.

"No, actually…" she stepped around the table to sit on the garden chair next to me, "I came to see you."

I sniffed again, I didn't have a handkerchief, but Mary sat forward in her seat, looking slightly upset herself, "Tell me what it is… please."

I might as well tell her, I had no one else to talk to.

"Matthew has to go a day early… tomorrow morning, in fact."

Mary shook her head in surprise, "Just to meet his General, surely… not back to France?"

_Yes…_

"But he must go back _one_day…" I looked down at my folded hands in my lap, "I can't stop thinking about what I'd do if anything happened to him." I'd have nowhere to go. Back home, it would be the same life, same straight line of life.

Mary laid her hand on the table, leaning in, "I know he'll be all right." she was trying to reassure me… I looked up at her.

"No, you don't. None of us do. We say that sort of thing, but we don't know." did I sound rude, contradicting what she'd said, even if she _was_ trying to comfort me… he could be killed, could be shot, stabbed, scalped…

I was making myself feel ill. The tears continued trickling down my cheeks.

"I'm- I'm… sorry, Lady Mary," I sniffed again, "I don't mean to be impolite, it's just-"

"There's nothing wrong in being honest," she smiled sadly, "You love him. And I can't contradict you for that."

When she said that I loved him… I felt like I should say something… something in return, something that made her understand that I was as lonely as she was. No one _ever_ talked to me. Not Isobel, she was too busy at the hospital, and we had nothing in common, anyway. And Matthew and I spent next to no time together before he proposed.

And with me getting older and needing to be settled, I was seven and twenty, I needed to be married, and Matthew was kind, but not in the least attentive. We never spoke; he was either away or just… I felt like I was invisible and that this wasn't what love was supposed to be.

Not for me.

"And won't you call me Mary?" she smiled at me hopefully, trying to be friendly, and although it was a small gesture, it meant everything in the world to me.

"Mary." I smiled back at her, my tears forgotten.

She opened her mouth to say something, but Matthew's voice suddenly broke through the air, shattering the moment that couldn't possibly mean anything…

"What's doing?" he grinned, and at this greeting, I turned to Mary, and said 'excuse me', before standing and walking past Matthew into the house. We had been engaged for months, and he couldn't even greet me in a manner most would associate with being engaged, with being in _love._ He didn't understand, he never did, and never even asked me about anything, about my day, how I felt…

I shut the door behind me, and tried to stop my sobbing, but couldn't. I wiped away each tear as it fell, but only more followed. I then realised I had been unforgivably rude to Mary; I should at least have offered her tea…

Matthew was coming into the house, taking off his hat, and smiled as he passed me. Mary was sitting on the garden chair, having sat back down after she'd risen when I walked away.

She looked up as I approached her, and with the strangest feeling of hope, I asked her…

"Mary, can you stay for luncheon?"

She stared at me a moment, and took a breath… "I… can't. But thank you."

"I- All- all right…" I swallowed hard, "well, I hope you do come over sometime soon."

She smiled, and nodded.

"Well… good-bye." I said, and forced that smile of feigned happiness onto my face, where it seemed to have a permanent position. I turned and walked into the house, feeling absurdly more upset than I had before.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

"Good evening, Captain Crawley, Mrs Crawley… Miss Swire." the housekeeper greeted us, answering the door, taking our coats and informing us that the butler, having been taken ill the night before, was unavailable to serve tonight.

"But he is all right, isn't he?" I asked.

The housekeeper (I didn't know her name) seemed shocked by my words; as if she hadn't thought I would be concerned.

"Yes, yes, he is all right, Miss, but he'll need a day or two to rest, the doctor said…" she sighed, "not that Mr Carson'll listen…"

She turned to Matthew, "His Lordship is waiting for you in the dining room, Captain Crawley."

"Thank you, Mrs Hughes." he smiled at his mother and me before walking away.

"And the ladies are all waiting for you in the drawing room." Mrs Hughes informed Isobel, with a glance at me, "and now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and see to the refreshments."

"Of course." Isobel smiled, and, politely waiting for me to fall in step beside her, she led me to the drawing room, I was starting to remember where the rooms were. Well, the ones I'd been in more than once.

The door was opened by a maid, and we were shown in. The drawing room was brightly lit, and a fire burned in the fireplace.

The Dowager Countess turned in her chair, and when she saw us, let out a '_hmff__' _and turned back to speak to Lady Grantham, remarking, "What on earth has brought this on, the very thought of Downton being some sort of hospice?"

I walked over with Isobel, but as she went to stand by Lady Sybil, I stood there, feeling foolish.

Mary, who had been sitting silently on the couch next to Lady Edith stood and greeted me quietly.

"Lavinia…" she took my hand for a moment, and smiled, stepping back, "have my seat. You'll need it, for Granny shan't quit till she's had her say…" her lips twisted into an ironic smile, and she gestured to her vacant spot.

I couldn't exactly refuse, and didn't want to draw attention to myself, so I sat on the warm cushioned seat and, turning my head, noticed that Mary intended to stand the whole time. There _was_an empty spot between me and Lady Edith, why didn't she sit there?

My thoughts were interrupted by Lady Grantham's protests, "I really don't know what to say to you, I haven't made up my mind yet, and I do wish you wouldn't press me, I have enough of a headache already."

"Well, I think it's a _ridiculous _idea." scoffed the Dowager.

"_Why_?" Lady Sybil demanded.

Her grandmother reminded her, "Because this is a _house._ Not a hospital."

"But _Granny,__"_ Mary sighed, and I looked up to see her face, "a convalescent _home _is where people rest and recuperate-"

"But if there are _relapses?_ What then? Amputation in the dining room? Resuscitation in the pantry?"

Around the room there were (quiet) collected sighs. Lady Sybil put her hand to her head in frustration.

"It would certainly be the most tremendous disturbance if you knew how chaotic things are as it is." Lady Grantham seemed very anxious about all the changes there were to be made if she agreed…

Isobel sat next to her, trying to assure her of the bright side of the matter, "But when there's so much _good_ can be done-"

The Dowager Countess thumped her cane on the carpeted floor.

Everyone looked to her in surprise at the interruption.

"I _forbid_ it!" she commanded.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mary slowly turn her head.

Her grandmother continued with her complaints, "To have strange men _prodding_ and _prying_ around the house… to say _nothing_ of pocketing the spoons! It's _out_ of the question-"

"I hesitate to remind you that this is _my_house now," Lady Grantham interrupted her defiantly, "_Robert__'__s_ and mine, and _we_ will make the decision."

There was a moment of stunned silence as her words hung in the air. The Dowager Countess said nothing.

Lady Grantham stood and went over the Mrs Hughes, who was carrying a brandy glass on a tray, and picked up the drink.

"I see…" Mary's grandmother seemed quite upset by her daughter-in-law's outburst, "so now I'm an outsider… who need not be consulted-"

"Since you put it like that, _yes.__" _Lady Grantham hissed at her, before taking a long sip.

No one spoke, and as Mrs Hughes bustled about, putting glasses on a tray, and the housemaid straightened things on a table, I knew this would soon be a subject of gossip downstairs.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

The rest of the evening, after dinner, I spoke with Lady Edith, who seemed quite excited about the work she did at a nearby farm. She told me of her driving the tractor and loading the truck with hay bales. She found it all quite exciting, and I wondered at how she could do it without want to do anything else.

I envied her, though. At least she had somewhere to go, something to do, and to be satisfied with her work. She had a purpose. As pitiful as it may seem, I had never known what a day of work was like, unless embroidering for hours at a time and reading romance novels that I found no interest in was considered work, though of course it wasn't. Was I being hard on myself? I wondered how different a life I wanted, and if it would ever happen. And if I were to not be alone for it, who would I spend that life with?

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

"Well," Mary said as she led me to the front door, "I hope we haven't tired you out."

Matthew stayed back to speak to Lord Grantham, and Isobel was still trying to convince Lady Grantham to take the plunge and make Downton Abbey a convalescent home.

"How?" I couldn't help but laugh, I only sat or stood there, observing, that can't have been much exertion, though it was tiresome…

"Oh, drama in the drawing room," she grinned, and I couldn't help but giggle. Our arms were linked, and she slid her hand out of the crook of my elbow and brushed my wrist. A gasp of pain hissed through my teeth, and Mary looked up at me, "What is it?"

"Nothing, I-"

Mary took my hand in hers and gently turned it so the light fell upon my skin, throwing into contrast the faint, dark shadow of a bruise. Oh, goodness, it was-

"What happened, who- Who did this?" Mary gasped. The marks left on my skin by Richard Carlisle's fingers were like a brand on my arm, a reminder…

"_If__ you __so __much __as __breathe __a __word __about __me __to __Lady __Mary __that __is __not __dripping __with __respectable __admiration, __you __will__ find __that __my __papers __will __name __you __as __the __starter __of__ the __Marconi __scandal, __and __Captain__ Crawley __will__ have __ended__ your __engagement, __and __you __will __be __ruined, __no __man __will __ever __touch __you.__"_

Mary looked up at me, her brown eyes wide. I felt about to cry, being so cut off from her… I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell anyone.

"Oh, no, I- I just- I fell." my pitiful excuse was almost laughable.

Mary's eyes narrowed, "You fell."

I nodded, I didn't trust myself to speak, I could lose myself and cry… or even tell her the truth…

Mary's let go of my hand, her fingers sliding softly across my arm, and she dropped her hand from mine.

"If you say so." her face deeply unreadable, Mary turned to walk away. I watched her until she reached the foot of the stairs, and she turned back.

"Goodnight, Lavinia." she smiled, and I couldn't even smile back, all I could do was echo her farewell.

"Goodnight… Mary."

That soft smile graced her lips again, and she walked up the stairs, her hand sliding up the banister, and she was gone with no sign she had ever been there.

None but my memory.

_TBC_

_I hope you've made it to the bottom, and that you'll tell me what you think._

_I'd love a review, constructive criticism is welcomed, and appreciated._

_Anonymous reviews are disabled for a reason, so if you do not have a Fanfiction account (and so cannot review) you can send me an ask on my tumblr blog._

_There is a link to it on my profile._

_x kissthespider26_


	4. Chapter 3

_Here is the third chapter. I'm having rather a nice time writing this :D and I hope my faithful readers who review will enjoy it…_

_I have said, you can visit my tumblr blog and leave me an ask, even anon, I would just like to know what you think and if you like it. I don't know if I'm open to suggestions, I have it all already planned out in my head._

_But I still love to hear from you, my darlings. _

Episode3 - 1917

**Chapter 3**

"_Dear Miss Swire,_

_I hope you'll forgive this sudden invitation, only my mother, The Dowager Countess of Grantham is coming to stay at my home in London, and we were hoping you'd join us for tea. _

_You will find enclosed the address, and my car will be waiting for you at 12 noon to bring you to my home. My mother and I do hope you'll come._

_Lady Rosamund Painswick"_

The stiffly formal letter was surprisingly intimidating. I still didn't know how long Mary's aunt had been in earshot to hear Sir Richard's and my 'conversation' as he called it, and I didn't know if I wanted to find out.

But, for appearance's sake, I'd have to go and visit. I hadn't had many invitations to tea; I didn't have many friends, and didn't much fit in with today's ladies. It seemed I'd have to brave the scrutiny of Matthew's family, ready or not.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

"Good afternoon, Miss Swire," Lady Rosamund greeted me as I was shown into her drawing room. I could feel my eyes widening as I looked around the extravagant furnishings.

"Good afternoon." I smiled politely, and the Dowager Countess turned around in her chair to see me, and, the same as last time, offered nothing as greeting other than a _'__hmff__'__._ My smile froze uncertainly on my face and the footman shut the door behind me. As silly as it was, in such a pleasant house, I felt trapped.

"Please, sit down," Lady Rosamund pointed to the couch between the chairs she and The Dowager Countess occupied.

"Thank you." I said as I stepped over to the lounge and sat, somewhat precariously, on the couch.

There was a knock on the door, and the footman reappeared, carrying a tray of tea.

"Thank you, now, that will be all." Lady Rosamund said, but she did not take her eyes off me.

"Tea?" she offered.

"Oh, yes please," I agreed, perhaps it would calm me, I felt as jumpy as a jack-rabbit.

She passed me a cup, and I held it in my lap, waiting for it to cool.

No one said anything for a moment, but Lady Rosamund spoke, looking at me interestedly.

"I'm afraid I haven't seen you since I interrupted your chat with Sir Richard last week. I'm awfully sorry I never had the chance to say goodbye."

"Oh, that's all right." I smiled as brightly as I could, though it would be obvious to anyone I was nervous, and I clung to the saucer in my hand, the china cup rattled against it, the lace of my gloves scratched against the skin of my fingers.

"How do you know Sir Richard?" Lady Rosamund's face was inquisitive, but there was something about her that reminded me of the man of whom she spoke.

"I only know Sir Richard because he is," _no__… _I told myself, I shut my eyes for a second, trying to slow my pounding heart, "or _was _a friend of my father's…"

"Oh…" Lady Rosamund looked to her mother meaningfully, who looked to me.

"… and of my uncle, Jonathan Swire."

"…the… Liberal minister?" Lady Rosamund smiled.

"That's it, but I'm afraid they've fallen out."

"Oh." she said, apparently saddened by the news.

I tried not to fidget as I looked around at the lavish decorations, "This room is so pretty… has the house always been the Painswick's London home?"

Lady Rosamund began to speak, but The Dowager Countess cut across her importantly, "There's no _always_ about the Painswicks, my dear, they were invented from _scratch_ by my son-in-law's grandfather."

"We bought the house when we were married." Lady Rosamund added.

"You make Mr Painswick sound rather a rough diamond, Lady Grantham." the way she spoke of him, it sounded as if she hadn't liked him at all…

"Marmaduke wasn't a _rough __diamond,_ was he, Mama?" Lady Rosamund looked to her mother, seeming to want her opinion.

"No, he was just cut and polished comparatively recently…" Lady Grantham commented, and it seemed that was the end of it.

There was a long silence as her words sunk in and I decided, as a means of self-preservation, that this would be a chance to leave without embarrassment and without having to answer uncomfortable questions.

"Well," I placed my cup of tea on the table next to the lounge, "I'd better be going."

"So soon?" Lady Grantham asked.

"Yes," I said, as hastily as I could, "I have to get back to my father." I stood up, smoothing down my dress.

"Well, then. Goodbye." Lady Rosamund smiled and nodded. Neither of them stood as I walked to the door, and I didn't look back.

When I'd stepped out the front door and walked down the steps, and finally into the car to take me home, I sighed. That was over… for now. I looked out the window, up to the house and saw Lady Rosamund at the window. She did not smile, she did not wave, she only stood there a moment longer and then went away.

I knew I hadn't seen the last of her, or heard the last of that interrupted argument with Sir Richard, and the thought made me close my eyes, dreading what could possibly happen as a result.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

This afternoon was rather a full one, Lady Grantham had recently agreed to Downton being used as a convalescent home and all the medical staff and patients had already arrived. I had been phoned by Matthew last night, he had called to invite me to Downton, they were all welcoming a famous general, I forget his name.

The car pulled up on the gravel and stopped, I could see Matthew in the passenger seat. They all stepped out of the car and went over the regimental salutations before conversing politely. Matthew never even looked at me; he came over to speak to Mary. I felt uncomfortably warm, like red hot needles were stabbing my chest.

"Crawley!" barked the General, as if calling one of his dogs to heel. Matthew spoke to Mary a moment more, smiled and left to go inside with the General, Lord Grantham and the other officers and corporals.

Lady Rosamund had been standing nearby, and before she went in, she looked at Mary, her thin smile communicating something. It reminded me of how Sir Richard would look at me after I had stolen the evidence to give him, and he'd smile at me as if we knew something others didn't, and Lady Rosamund's secretive smirk unnerved me. She glanced at me, and turned to go inside.

I had to ask Mary what she knew, what her aunt might have told her. She stood there a moment after Lady Rosamund had gone, staring after her, I couldn't read her expression, and she turned to me, waiting for me to join her and follow them all in.

I walked over to her, and stood by her side, "What's the matter with your aunt?"

Mary's eyes were surprised, and for an instant, betrayed some knowledge. She blinked, then smiled, "We should follow them in, or Mama will say we are unsupportive." she took a step, but I couldn't let her leave without knowing what was going on, particularly when it seemed to be about me, and I could hardly bear being ignorant of it.

I reached out and took her arm; Mary turned back to me, her dark eyes seemed fearful of what I would say. My fingers slid against her skin, and I felt that warmth again, but it wasn't harsh like before. More deep and soft…

I dropped my hand from her arm, "Tell me what it is, please."

Mary lowered her head, "All right…" she murmured, "Do you remember when Aunt Rosamund found you and Richard Carlisle together in the garden?"

_Together._I nearly scowled at the word as we walked inside together, and voiced my fear of her finding out, "I knew I'd hear more about that…"

"She thought he was threatening you_._ And _now_ she's decided that _you_ were behind the Marconi share scandal… in 1912." Mary seemed to be reminding me of it… how could I ever forget?

"The chancellor and other ministers were involved, including your uncle." she was frightfully calm about all this… didn't she think I had done it? Didn't she believe her Aunt's words; did she think me innocent of it all?

"I remember the Marconi scandal." I whispered. Mary stared at me a moment, my words were half a confession, and she shook her head.

"No, let's forget it. It's absurd-"

I had to tell her. Carlisle will have anyway, her Aunt wouldn't leave well enough alone, and I would be ruined and sullied either way, at least I'd have told Mary the truth. For the second time today, I caught her arm, bringing her back to me, trying to make her understand. I _needed _her to hear me, no one else did…

"But Lady Rosamund is right. I _did_ steal the evidence for Sir Richard to print. I _did_ start the scandal…" my voice was half choked by tears that were threatening to fall, and Mary was silent as she stared at me. She seemed to find her voice after a moment, and spoke confusedly.

"The trouble is… Aunt Rosamund can't understand _why_ you would do such a thing unless _you _and Sir Richard were-" she caught herself before she finished that sentence, and fell silent. I said it for her.

"Were _lovers_…" I shook my head, the words no, not, _never_ on my lips, but-

"Mary! You must come here!" Lady Grantham called, and Mary looked away, shocked at this sudden interruption, although we were almost in a room full of people, it seemed as if we were the only ones there.

Mary looked back at me, an expression I never wanted her to look at me with clear on her face. Horror, disgust, maybe even hatred. I had to tell her, had to set the _truth _in her mind, _**never **_had Sir Richard and I been lovers, I had only ever shaken his hand, the mere _thought_ of him and I-

Mary walked away, the full truth still not said, she must think of me as a harlot, a whore, the tears in my eyes blurred my vision as these names plagued my mind. She couldn't possibly want to speak to me again, someone like me. But at that moment when I thought of Sir Richard marrying her, _his _name now hers, I wanted to cry and cry out. He was the worst kind of man, I knew what he thought of me in those days when he was close with my father and uncle, I could always _feel_ his eyes on me, and now his eyes were set on Mary.

Something resembling crippling sadness and blinding hatred took hold of me and I knew I couldn't let him have her. She deserved more, more than him, more than anyone, and I would do anything, though nothing was in my power, for him to never touch her.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

It was time for dinner, now, it was a bit early, but seeing as it was a special occasion, and the General couldn't stay late, we were all going in for dinner now.

Oftentimes at Downton, dinner was a full affair. This one was as full as ever. I was seated next to Doctor- I mean, Major Clarkson, and a Captain who introduced himself as Gerald King, of course, there was 'Captain' to come before that. He was very polite and chatted in a friendly manner to me, but every time I glanced around, just a habit of self-consciousness, whenever I turned back he was looking at me in a way that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Our conversation was innocent enough, just about when he expected the war would be over and how he intended to spend his free time.

"Not that I have much," he chuckled.

He had just begun to ask me something when Matthew spoke up, addressing everyone.

"Lady Rosamund, Mary, all of you… have been so kind to Lavinia." he smiled.

"Well, naturally," The Dowager Countess said, turning and smiling at me in a friendly way, although there was that motive behind it that made me nervous, "We're all curious to know _more _of Miss Swire, if she's to reign over Downton as queen."

"Dear me, I hope you haven't unearthed anything too fearful." Matthew remarked, half joking.

"You must ask Mary." the Dowager replied, glancing at her granddaughter.

I looked at my only friend, if she even wanted me as a friend. If you could beg someone with your eyes, I pleaded with my heart and soul for her to never tell… I didn't know whether she thought me innocent or guilty, I didn't know what she thought of me… but I had to tell her. Either that or forfeit any desire to stay at Downton, let alone in Yorkshire.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

Everyone was going out into the hall to mingle and entertain themselves.

"Mary." I stood behind her, and she turned, looking at me, she did not smile, her eyes betrayed nothing as I hoped with everything I had that she would hear my side of the story, "could I please…" my voice faltered, and I took a breath, "could I please talk to you?"

Mary pressed her lips together and nodded. She glanced at the other's retreating backs as they stepped through the doorway. We wouldn't be missed. Mary turned back to me and softly took my hand, "Come with me."

Her fingers gentle around mine, she led me through a different door out of the dining room, she went away from all the fuss into the quiet part of the house, through what must have been a smoking room, through another and another, the labyrinth of beauty ending when we entered a small library, and she let go of my hand, the warmth of hers faded from my skin.

"We were never lovers," I told her as soon as we stepped in the door, "Not _ever.__"_

Mary half-closed the door behind her, "You don't have to explain anything. Not to _me_."

But I had to, I must, I needed-

"But I _want _to." I walked over to the sofa with her, and turned to sit down, "You see…" we sat, facing each other. I took a deep breath, "My father owed Sir Richard Carlisle a lot of money. Enough to bankrupt him."

Mary continued, as if she knew what I would say, "And Sir Richard offered to waive the debt if you gave him the evidence of the minister's guild."

I nodded, "Papa was terrified. And I _knew _I could get into my uncle's office and find the proof."

It had been said. Strangely, I didn't feel relieved. Instead my heart felt heavier and I bowed my head, I sniffed, I didn't want to cry again. That was all I could do.

"What is it?" Mary asked me.

"He… threatened to tell you all about it, and now I've told you anyway."

Mary nodded, but still seemed unsure.

"My uncle was guilty. They _all_ were. Sir Richard didn't make it up." I said.

"I believe you…" Mary said. I knew she wasn't lying; there was no dishonesty in her eyes…

"But that's not _why _I did it."

Mary blinked, looking at me curiously.

"It was _entirely_ to save Papa from ruin."

Mary now understood, I had told her everything. She believed me, and that was more than enough for now…

"So… that mark on your arm…" she whispered.

"Oh. That." I remembered it, and looked down at my arm. Mary placed her hand over the shadow of bruised skin, curling her fingers around my wrist, so softly it didn't hurt, the cool silk of her skin against mine, lining up her fingers with the translucent lavender outline of Richard Carlisle's.

"He did it, didn't he? When he was threatening you in the garden." her voice was low, and I couldn't tell whether it was sadness or something else…

She breathed in, and heard her mother's voice coming closer, turning her head to the door.

When she turned back round, she smiled at me, secretly, kindly, stood and left.

I sat on the couch, twisting my fingers in my lap. She wouldn't betray me, not to anyone, and I sighed, though I didn't know what for.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

When everyone filed outside, the servants, the officers and the Grantham family to farewell the General, I went out with Mary, talking with her.

"You must come by more often. We could go out in the garden, maybe for a ride. We have a lovely mare that would suit you." she seemed to speak something as soon as she thought it, planning out days we could spend together when there was nought else to do…

"I'd love to." was all I could say, and it was absolutely true, she was the only real friend I'd ever had, the only…

Matthew came over to me and took my hand, "If I don't see you again before I have to go back, be safe." he brought my hand up and kissed it and I nearly pulled away from his grasp, from his lips. Not in front of Mary, not-

He turned to leave and got into the car that was idling nearby. After a few moments, it drove off, and everyone stood round…

I stood there, wondering. Would it still be the same life? Of course I would have Mary as a friend, she stood beside me now, but would that be enough of a life? Would it be enough?

_TBC_

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

_There's Chapter 3 done. :D_

_I would love reviews, and for readers without a Fanfiction account, I'll say so again and again, go to my tumblr blog and leave an ask, I do allow anons there, there is a link to my blog on my Fanfiction profile :D_

_Thank you darlings, and I will finish Chapter 4 as soon as I can._

_x kissthespider26_


	5. Chapter 4

_I can't believe I forgot, but Lavinia wasn't in episode 4 at all. After fuming for a little while, I got my thoughts and ideas together and wrote. Hope you like it, it's (almost) all me…_

_x_

Pre-Episode 5 (is set in Episode 4) - 1918

**Chapter 4**

It was very quiet.

I had had to leave Downton weeks ago, Papa needed me and I couldn't leave him alone at home, though he was at work today… Matthew had indeed not been able to see me before he left, so it was just Mary and I in the few days I until _I_ had to leave. I remembered the day she had spent with me in Lord Grantham's library…

"_Do you care for Shakespeare?" Mary called to me from the other end of the library, stretching up on her toes to see the books on a high shelf._

"_I… haven't read much of his." I admitted. To be honest, I had read none. It was embarrassing, I knew next to nothing of the classics, and Mary had most likely read them all ten times over._

_She walked over to where I sat on one of the red sofas. She sat next to me and leaned in suddenly; her cheek brushing against mine and whispered, "I was never much fond of Shakespeare either." _

_A shudder ran through me as I felt her breathe the words into my ear, it must have tickled. She pulled back and smiled at me, "Though I read Twelfth Night a number of years ago, and it did make me laugh." she smiled, "Though sometimes I wonder at Olivia falling for Viola… I wonder had she known Viola was a woman all along."_

"_Perhaps…" was all I could say, puzzled by this conversation._

"_No matter," she smiled and stood, "How are you for Jane Austen?" Mary strolled over to a nearby shelf, running her fingers along the spine of a book, and looked to me for an answer._

_Mary said herself she had not much of a taste for favoured literature, which made me braver in my ignorance of the famous author, "No… I never had much of a fondness for typical romance. Although, I do admire her work, Sense and Sensibility I enjoyed." _

_It was true… although I hadn't quite finished it._

"_I agree, but confess I have never opened another. I prefer poetry sometimes…" Mary said, walking to another shelf and selecting a book immediately, she seemed to know its place well. She sat back down next to me and opening the large book, found a certain page and, pointing to a verse, said, "This one is my favourite, but there are others…"_

"_May I?" I reached for the book and my fingers brushed hers. Mary smiled and passed it to me._

_I read the verse she had named as her favourite and read aloud, feeling myself blush deeper and deeper with every line._

"_First, we loved well and faithfully,  
>Yet knew not what we loved, nor why;<br>Difference of sex no more we knew,  
>Than our guardian angels do;<br>Coming and going, we  
>Perchance might kiss, but not between those meals:<br>Our hands ne'er touched the seals,  
>Which nature, injured by late law, sets free.<br>These miracles we did; but now, alas,  
>All<em>_ measure__ and __all__ language __I__ should __pass_,_  
>Should I tell what a miracle she was."<em>

_I lowered the book, and chanced a look at Mary. A faint blush had risen to her cheeks, and she was looking down at her hands, which were clasped in her lap._

"_Mary?"_

_She looked up, blushing deeper, "Yes?"_

"_Have… have you ever…" I felt foolish, stammering like a child as I spoke._

_Her eyes grew wide, "Lavinia! You don't mean…"_

_A shock ran through me as I realised how my words sounded._

"_NO! No!" my words were strung together in a gasp, "No, I only meant…have you ever been kissed…"_

"_Oh." Mary said. She did not go on. I waited as patiently as I could, but-_

"_Was your first kiss with Matthew?" I felt almost…jealous. But not of her… _

"_No." was all she said, she gave nothing else away._

"_Oh…a sweetheart then?" Perhaps a man she had once confessed her love to, given him a lock of her hair perhaps…_

"_No. He was not a sweetheart. He was nothing but a-" she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, hiding the fire in them._

_So what had he been then… what had he been, to her?_

_She opened her eyes._

"_He was charming. Handsome. And…"_

_And what?_

"_He did not care for me. I meant nothing to him. Only a prize at the end of the chase. Some trophy of amusement, I wonder." Mary's eyes were dull as she spoke, as if she thought herself worthless._

_I took her hand, "Mary, he did not deserve to breathe the air you do, let alone kiss you without caring for you." my voice did not shake, this dreadful man's effect on her made me braver, although being this close to her, holding her hand, her skin soft against mine-_

_Her eyes darted to my face, and she smiled sadly, "How about you?"_

_Oh. Me._

"_Has Matthew…?" _

"_Yes…" my reply was not much, not what it should have been._

_I couldn't tell what was in her eyes…she only looked at me, waiting for an answer, but to serve what desire in her?_

"_Yes, but-" how could I say it? When Matthew kissed me I felt nothing of what I thought love should be. I felt no desire to respond, to reciprocate, I only felt…_

"_But?" her voice was supporting, encouraging._

"_Never mind. What else shall we do?" I had shied away from the subject with a false smile on my lips, as well I should. I was marrying him, and that was the end of it. No one else would have me, whether I would be happy or not in our marriage was irrelevant._

_Mary had shut the book she held and put it away, a small frown on her lips as she did._

I had wanted to tell her. So badly, but I hardly even knew what I would say or what I felt. It was all confusing, all impossible and painful.

I sat in the front room of my London home, the sunlight streaming in through the wide windows while I embroidered, and felt… homesick? But this was my home, I-

I was missing Downton. Missing… what?

"_Don't worry, she won't bite." Mary smiled at me as the mare nuzzled at her shoulder. Mary had brought me out to the stables today, and 'introduced me to someone', as she had put it, a lovely 'grey' mare, which was funny, as there was nothing grey about her, she was a soft white, like snow. I had seen horses in fields before, quite often in the car on the way to Downton, but up close I realised how big they were, it was rather intimidating. _

_The horse had stuck her head over the lower part of the door to her stall almost as soon as Mary and I had approached, and butted her head against Mary's arm, receiving a neck rub and one of my friend's warmest smiles. Mary had led the horse out of her stall, and tied her to a post out in the yard so she could introduce the two of us 'properly'._

_Mary held out her hand to me, and I held out mine confusedly, feeling her press something into my palm, a sugar lump. I glanced up at her, "Mary, what-"_

"_Feed it to her. She'll be your friend for life." Mary smiled at me, both she and the horse blinked at me, two pairs of deep brown eyes looking at me expectantly._

_Trying my best to ignore the fear of something so large, I stepped forward, "Well, since you're both ganging up on me…"_

_Mary smirked as I held out my hand, the sweet offering placed in my curled palm. The horse's head came forward eagerly, and I felt hot breath on my fingers and large teeth scraped wetly against my skin. I jumped back, a cry of shock escaped me, "You said she wouldn't bite!" I accused Mary._

_She could hardly speak for giggling and I couldn't help the frown on my lips as I stood there, feeling foolish. The horse didn't seem to mind the drama around her; she was munching happily on the treat, quite unaffected._

_Mary caught her breath, pressing her lips together, trying to keep from grinning, "I'm sorry, just your expression…" my frown stayed where it was, and Mary smiled, walking up to me, "Well, first of all, you were holding it wrong, silly of me, I should have told you…" she touched my elbow and brought me forward, stepping around me and holding my other arm, her chest now pressed lightly to my back._

"_Like this…" Mary slid her hand into mine and softly uncurled my fingers until my hand was flat. Another moment and she turned my arm so my palm faced upward; one more lump of sugar appeared and was placed in my palm as I stretched out my hand, half dreading the outcome, perhaps this time I would lose a finger… Enthusiastically, the mare stretched out her neck to reach the sugar, which was still out of reach._

"_Go on…" Mary whispered, her chin on my shoulder, and I felt her press herself into my back, encouraging me to walk closer, I didn't want to move, but I stepped forward, Mary's thigh brushed the back of mine, and I took another step. I swallowed hard and straightened my arm, practically forcing my hand away from myself. At last, the mare lowered her head to my hand, whiskers tickled my skin and a rough tongue swept up the sugar, followed by crunching noises and a satisfied look in the horse's eyes, leaving my hand unscathed, much to my relief. _

_After a moment I realised I was no longer interesting to the horse, I had no treats left._

_I found myself smiling, and Mary's voice breathed beside me, "Now, how was that?"_

_Mary still stood with me, so close I could feel her, and I turned my head to see, our noses almost touching, as she still rested her chin on my shoulder, smiling at me in delight. What do I say? Lovely? Wonderful? Perfect? How could I tell her how special this moment was, how much it meant to me, something we shared, just us two?_

_As friends, of course…_

"_I never knew… your eyes are a lighter green than I thought." Mary said, her voice hushed. Her words may have sounded absent minded, but her own eyes, the deepest brown, were trapping me in their warmth. As she wondered about my eyes and I wondered about her, this strange tightness heated my chest, and I found myself unsure of when I last breathed. A soft gasp from Mary, soft but perceptible, and I blinked, my eyelids felt heavy… we were closer than I thought…_

"_Lavinia…" could I be imagining my name as a sigh from her lips?_

"_Oh!" Mary gasped suddenly, my heart leapt in shock at her cry, and she fell against me, then, righting herself, whirled around to see the horse. As… distracted and unsuspecting as we both had been, we hadn't noticed the mare had stepped around us and was now trying her best to reach the sugar in Mary's skirt pocket, and I realised, blushing fiercely, the horse had succeeded only in brushing Mary's bottom with her nose._

"_You naughty thing!" Mary scolded, her voice sounded breathless and yet almost a laugh, "That is most indecent of you!"_

_The creature looked startled for a moment, and then proceeded with her search, bumping Mary's hip and pushing her into me. Mary very nearly fell back, until I took hold of her waist, stepping away from the curious animal, "Perhaps we should-"_

"_Lynch!" Mary called, her voice not too commanding, yet it carried her authority with it, no doubt the result of a childhood with privilege._

_A middle-aged man appeared; round the side of the stables, dressed in clean, well-worn yard clothes; I supposed he was the groom._

"_Yes, my Lady?" he walked up to us, taking the horse's lead rope._

"_Please take her back to her stall. She's proved herself most cheeky today." Mary's eyebrows narrowed, and this time it was I who tried not to smile, she was clearly not amused. The man looked quite confused, and he looked at me most strangely._

_I then realised my hands were still on Mary's waist, almost upon her hips. I stepped away, and the groom looked down, abashed at having been staring, and led the horse away. I looked back to Mary._

"_So what was her name, anyway? The horse." I inquired._

_Mary's lips twisted into an ironic smile, "Imp," she said plainly._

_I laughed, "You might have told me that before!"_

_She giggled with me, and that tight feeling came back into my chest, my heart felt as if it were fluttering… so much excitement in one day…_

"Oh!" the exclamation of pain left me before I knew what had happened. I had pricked my finger with the needle, quite hard actually, and it began to bleed. I looked down at my hand, squeezing it to numb the sharp twinge in my finger. I then noticed something which made me giggle.

I hadn't been paying attention to my embroidery, and had stitched in the leaves of a flower blue, the petals green and a few droplets of blood from my finger had fallen and stained it. I had already written myself off as terrible at sewing and embroidering; now I knew myself as hopeless. Oh, well. At least I acknowledged it, and simply accepted my flaws while smiling, unaffected.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

The phone rang. I went out into the hall and answered it, I had gotten fairly used to the thing, it was quite useful.

"Hello?"

"_Lavinia?__" _Mary's voice came through the phone and I blinked in surprise. I hadn't expected a call from Downton, much less from Mary.

"Yes." I said, my voice was a bit faint…

"_Hello.__" _I didn't know how, but I thought she was smiling on the other end…

"You know how to use the phone?" I asked, rather stupidly, I realised after I had said it.

She laughed on the other end, _"__Yes,__ I__'__m __not __completely __incompetent,__ you __know.__"_

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

Another laugh, _"__That__'__s __not __what __I __meant, __either.__"_

"Oh." I said.

"_I__'__m __just__ calling __to __see__ if __you __wanted __to __visit __Downton. __It__'__s __been __weeks __since __I __last __saw __you, __and __anyway,__ there__'__s __going __to __be __a __concert.__"_

"Oh, really?" I brightened at the prospect of going to Downton Abbey; I had been quite lonely at home by myself.

"_Yes, it's for the soldiers, we have to keep their spirits up." _

"Are you going to sing? Because that I'd definitely come to see." I grinned; relieved she couldn't see me right then.

"_I __am,__actually.__" _Mary sounded a bit sulky, and I tried not to giggle.

"Oh?"

"_Yes.__" _she sighed,_ "__Mama __has __been __most __insistent, __and __I__ must __sing __accompanied __by __my __sister __on __the __piano._ _I __told __Edith, __one __song __and __that__'__s __her __lot, __though __I__ expect __she__'__ll __want __to __do__ a__ whole __medley__…"_

"Well, then, I most certainly will come to see you." I mentally chastised myself for saying I'd come to see _her._

"_You __had __better __not __laugh __at __me.__" _she warned, and I grinned again.

"I wouldn't dare." I assured her.

"_Well, the concert's tomorrow night, come at eight." _

I smiled, "All right."

"_I'll have Branson come and pick you up, then?"_

"Yes, I-" I began to apologise for the trouble, but Mary seemed fine with it all.

"_I'll have to book the motor. I'd better go, or Papa will be most displeased at my claiming the telephone."_

"Well, good-bye, Mary."

"_Good-bye,__ Lavinia__" _I had that feeling she was smiling again, and there was a click, and she was gone.

I placed the phone back in its place and stood there a moment.

What was I going to wear?

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

The butler opened the door to me, "Good evening, Miss Swire..." my smile faded as I saw he looked slightly confused, like he didn't know why I was here. Hadn't he been expecting me?

"Oh, Mary invited me." I said, guessing she must have forgotten to inform him.

The butler's eyebrows drew together disapprovingly, and I realised my mistake.

"I- I mean, Lady Mary." I felt so stupid, letting myself become too familiar. Even if she had asked me to call her Mary, I should not have said it in front of a servant…

He nodded, opened the door wider and let me in. Once I stepped into the front hall, I slid my coat off and the butler took it, remarking, "Lady Mary is in the library, Miss Swire, along with her family, the soldiers and the staff. The concert has already begun." There was a frown at the end of that sentence.

"Thank you."

He led me there, and opened the door, a few heads turned and I smiled nervously, embarrassed at having interrupted. There was a magic show being performed by one of the soldiers and as I walked up the carpet to find a seat, I spotted Mary, watching the tricks being performed. No, actually, she wasn't really watching, her head was turned further to the right, she was deep in thought.

I walked quickly up to her, trying not to get in the way of anyone's line of sight.

"May I sit here?" I asked her, there was an empty chair next to the armchair she sat on.

Mary's head turned towards me and she blinked in surprise, "Oh, hello!" she whispered, and she beamed delightedly, as if I was her favourite person in the world, "Yes, please, sit."

I took the chair, arranging my dress so I was comfortable, and as I turned to her, Mary leant in, giving me a kiss on the cheek in greeting, and I felt my face heat up as I blushed, particularly on the spot her lips had touched.

"I'm so glad you came." she whispered, "You look lovely."

"Oh," I whispered, looking down at the flowered pink dress I wore, "Thank you." I hadn't known what to wear, and I didn't want to show up over-dressed, so I picked something as simple and pretty as I could, "You look beautiful." I added, not meaning to. Of course I meant it, she did look beautiful, but had that been too much?

But Mary only smiled warmly and kissed my cheek again, "You're a darling."

As she sat back, her perfume swirled around me, faint and lovely. It was floral, I thought, but with something that smelt like spice…

Mary suddenly straightened in her seat, "Oh, _god_," she sighed.

I looked to the front of the room where Lady Edith sat at the piano, looking pointedly at Mary, obviously waiting for her. It was time for Mary to sing.

Mary stood and slipped past me, her leg brushing mine.

"Good luck." I whispered. Mary turned round, glanced at me and rolled her eyes, smiling.

She announced herself as she strode up to the piano, "Most of you won't know how rare it is to see my sister, Edith and I, pulling together in a double act."

"A unicorn, if ever there was one." Lady Grantham commented to Lord Grantham and The Dowager Countess.

"But in wartime, we, like all of you, have more important things to worry about. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the Crawley sisters."

Lady Edith began playing the piano and Mary straightened up, and smiled.

She began to sing and I couldn't take my eyes off her. Her voice was even lovelier when she sang than when she spoke, which until now, I wouldn't have thought possible. All thought went out of my mind as she sang, and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard.

"_Sometimes __when __I __feel __bad, __and __things __look __blue  
>I wish a pal I had, say one like you."<em>

Her eyes met mine and my heart nearly stopped, and she smiled, continuing with the song, though she did not look away, and I could not.

"_Someone__ within __my __heart, __to __build __a __throne  
>Someone who'd never part, to call my own…"<em>

All I could see was her, Mary, and I could hear nothing but her sweet voice. An ache pained my heart while I wished she were thinking of me… I didn't have the chance to bury that thought before she sang again, still gazing at me, her voice a siren's song, pulling me in by my heart…

"_If you were the only girl in the world, and I were the only-"_

There was a click and the sound of a door being opened, then a sudden silence as Mary stopped singing, her eyes flashed away from mine and she looked to the back of the library. I turned in my seat to see Matthew walk into the room with a man that must have been the second footman from that dinner for the General weeks ago… but he was in a regimental uniform.

"Sorry, don't stop for me." Matthew said, and I looked back to Mary, who pressed her lips together in a smile, but did not continue. Lord Grantham stood and spoke to Matthew, shaking his hand, and the soldiers began conversing amongst themselves, Mary's song forgotten, and I felt a twinge of annoyance at this. Mary made her way back to her seat next to me, and as she sat, she remarked, "Well! At least I didn't have to finish it!"

She didn't seem to mind, so I let it alone. Matthew was back, although he hadn't written to tell me he was coming.

I'd say everything was fine, but I felt like I had been in a dream, all the times I spent with Mary, but that dream had been interrupted, and I had woken up. Dreams couldn't last and it seemed I would have to learn that.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

I stood with Matthew, Mary and Lord Grantham in the main hall as Matthew recounted how he went missing, though I had had no idea he was, it had come as quite a surprise and a shock, though Mary had reassured me he was fine now, Matthew was fine and safe. Strangely enough, she didn't quite meet my eyes when she told me, and quickly looked away when I tried to meet hers.

"Somehow… we got lost, and then we were trapped behind some Germans for _three__ days._When we got out of that, we stumbled into a field dressing station, where we were immediately admitted… But we weren't in any danger, so they didn't inform our unit." Matthew said.

The Earl scoffed, and half-grumbled, "Well! They should have jolly well told us when you got back to base."

Mary smiled at her father's irritation, and I couldn't help my smile created by hers, the soft upturn of her lips…

"I hope you weren't really worried." Matthew asked.

Lord Grantham smiled, "Oh, you know us. We like to be assured of our hero at the front. I think Cora wanted to see you, and Mother too, although she'd never say so." The Earl grinned and showed Matthew to where Lady Grantham and the Dowager Countess were, and Mary and I were left standing there.

"See? What did I tell you? He'll be fine." Mary assured me.

There was that empty smile again, from the night I had first met her, the eyes with no laughter in them. I didn't like this, I hadn't seen her act this way at all, but it unnerved and upset me. I didn't like it.

"Yes, of course he will, just like you said." I agreed, and I tried to catch her eye but she was gazing round at all the company in the room, her hands clasped tightly together.

I touched her arm, "Mary."

She looked round, smiling so sweetly, yet so falsely, "Yes? What is it?"

"What's wrong?" I couldn't pretend to be all right, not when she wasn't, and I couldn't sleep tonight without knowing what was bothering her.

"Oh, just a full day. I've been practicing all afternoon with Edith, and I suppose I'm just tired…" Mary smiled at me, though she did look tired, I didn't know what else, I still felt strange.

"Are you sure?" I felt her arm still warm under my hand still and I stepped back, taking my hand away, but I still needed to know, "Truly?"

"Truly, Lavinia. I'm fine." Mary seemed deep in thought, though her forehead usually scrunched up, as did her eyebrows when she was thinking, and now her face was smooth and inexpressive.

"Truly." she said, looking at me, though her dark eyes were lying.

"All right…" There was nothing else I could say; I'd sound nosy and rude, and I could feel the hurt welling up in me at her refusal to talk to me. So I stepped away from her, going to get my coat and leave. Maybe everything would look better in the morning, "Good night, Mary."

And then, for a moment, she was my- she was Mary again, smiling sadly as I left, "Good night… Lavinia."

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

_So, did you like? :D _

_Reviews, as always, are lovely, and if you don't have a Fanfiction account, you can leave an anonymous ask on my blog (or signed if you have tumblr, it's free, (the link is on my profile). Is it really too much to ask for at least a 10-word response?_

_Love you guys, I shall start on Chapter 5 soon._

_x kissthespider26_

_The poetry was an excerpt from John Donne's 'The Relic'._


	6. Chapter 5

_So now onto Chapter 5. As you all know, many things change in this episode, and now even more will alter Mary and Lavinia's lives. _

_I'm sorry for the late update, I have been busy, surprisingly, and I will try to get more chapters to you quicker._

_I have changed the dialogue in the last scene and, of course, the outcome. Just so no one gets the wrong end of the stick… Matthew's stick. :D_

_x_

Episode 5- 1918

**Chapter 5**

_Dear Lavinia,_

_I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, especially in writing that Matthew has been seriously wounded, and is on his way to the hospital in the village of Downton. _

_We do not know very much, but we felt you must be informed so you can come to Downton to stay, for as long as you like, as Mrs Crawley is currently out of the country, in France, working for The Red Cross._

_I'm very sorry for this distressing letter, and we all hope you'll come to Downton soon._

_Sincerely,_

_Lady Grantham_

I couldn't breathe. The full weight of the news hit me, crushed me, and if I hadn't been sitting at the breakfast table I think I'd have fallen to the floor. There was no one there to comfort me, no one for me to talk to, Papa had left early for work, and there was no one else here but the servants, luckily none of them were in the room to see my shock…

I'd have to pack today, and be there as soon as I could. Matthew would be brought to the hospital before I could arrive, so I would arrive at Downton as soon as I could. Though I had no idea what to do or what to say, I had to be there, and he needed me. Though I found myself needing something else… someone else.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

"Lavinia." Lard Grantham shook my hand, he did not smile, he tried to, but he looked as if he would cry if he did, "I'm so sorry, he's- he's woken a few times, but he won't talk, he-" The Earl turned and walked away, he did not mean to be rude, he was just stricken and shocked, much like me.

I stood at the doorway to the ward, clutching my purse, feeling strangely numb… I had arrived at Downton a half hour ago, Mary hadn't been there, and I was told Matthew was indeed at the hospital, he had been since yesterday.

The car had only just brought me to the hospital and I stood, staring at the screen that hid Matthew from view. Lord Grantham had looked through the gap in the screens for a moment and looked completely lost, lost for words, and he moved the screen aside.

Mary stood there, dressed in a white blouse and an apron over her skirt, like a uniform… watching. It was almost piercing, the feeling that shocked my heart when I saw her. Was I jealous? Upset? It didn't feel like it. Something far more, and far more unfamiliar…

She turned to see her father and caught sight of me, and smiled softly, then, as if she caught herself, she looked down, looked away for a moment. Lord Grantham walked over to me, as did Mary, a sad smile on her lips. Tears welled in my eyes as she took my hands and leaned in, pressing her lips to my cheek. My lips brushed her cheek, just an instant of her skin, soft and warm, just a second of breathing in her perfume, that kiss to her face…

I pulled back, and Mary dropped her hands from mine, and stepped back… too far back…

"Do they know any more yet?" I asked her, my voice shook with the emotion I couldn't identify, and I felt almost sick with worry about Matthew… My entire world was falling apart, there was nothing I could do to stop it, or even understand why.

"They're examining him now." Mary nodded, and I only wanted to be close to her again, she was the only one I knew who… who _cared,_ she was the one who comforted me, and I must have been imagining it… it seemed Mary wanted our embrace just as much as I… but I mustn't, mustn't think of that, mustn't let that thought linger…

I forced my mind back to the situation at hand, back to Matthew, "So he's conscious?"

"Just about." Mary breathed, tears shining in her eyes.

"Have they found out what happened?" Lord Grantham asked Mary, frowning concernedly.

"A shell landed near them," she told him, "The explosion threw Matthew against something."

I couldn't help the expression of horror on my face as Lord Grantham told her to go on.

"Doctor Clarkson thinks… there may be trouble with his legs." Mary didn't seem to have finished speaking, but she looked down and stepped away as Doctor Clarkson came over.

"Not good news, I'm afraid," he said, "I'd say the spinal cord has been transsected. That it is _permanently_ damaged."

"You mean he won't walk again?" Lord Grantham asked, dreading the answer as much as I.

"If I'm right, then no, he won't." Doctor Clarkson's answer was blunt.

I nearly gasped, Matthew wouldn't _walk__… _I didn't think he'd ever get over that, he was so full of _life_ I didn't think he could ever be trapped by something like this…

I pressed my hand to my mouth, hoping I wouldn't cry or… Lord Grantham put his arm around me, trying his best to be supportive, but I wanted to pull away. I wanted to be held by _Mary,_I wanted _her_ arms around me…

"It's a shock, of course, and you must be allowed to grieve, but I must say that he will, in all likelihood regain his health."

Doctor Clarkson rambled on and I wanted to tell him to be quiet. Matthew would never walk again, there was no use pretending otherwise. He would be able to speak and move, but he would never walk beside me, beside _anyone. _Doctor Clarkson didn't seem as concerned as I thought he would, this was tearing the Grantham family apart, and tearing _me_ apart. I didn't know what I was to do…

"This is _not _the end of his life…" he said, and Mary nodded, tears still in her eyes.

"Just the start of a different life." Mary's tone sounded ironic, as if what the doctor said was almost ridiculous, and I thought it certainly was. The man was acting as if a life-changing injury would be _easy_ to get used to and _easy_ to live with…

"Exactly." Doctor Clarkson agreed with Mary, and then asked for a word in private with Lord Grantham.

They left the room, and I sniffed hopelessly, wanting to reach for Mary, but she stepped forward and reached for me first, touching my arm.

"Have you got a handkerchief? I never seem to have one in moments of crisis." I asked her, and she reached into her pocket and gave me hers.

"Thank you." I whispered and as I pressed it to my lips, the scent of _Mary_ came from the fabric, and I closed my eyes, the faint, sweet perfume making me want to cry.

It all seemed even more hopeless, even as Mary rubbed my back softly, her other hand on my arm.

"Do you want to go and see him now?" Mary said quietly, "He'll want to see _you_." her voice, like mine, was half choked by tears.

I felt guilty as I realised I didn't want to take a step further, but I sniffed one last time, tightening my grip on her handkerchief, "Right."

I walked over to Matthew's bed and stepped through the open screen. I inhaled sharply when I saw him, lying in the bed, pale and broken. There were cuts and bruises marking his face, and a number seemed to have been carved into the flesh of his cheek. There were dark bruises around his eyes and he murmured as he saw me.

"My darling…" he smiled. I tried my best to smile back, but Matthew's condition frightened me… I walked over and sat by his side, and took his hand. I may be unhappy and no longer want our engagement, but I still cared about him and was frightfully worried about him and his accident… but I wanted to cry and cry for all the horrible things that had happened…

But despite the tragedy, there were things I was be grateful for… I could name a few, well… I could name _one._

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

I'd come back to the hospital the next day, I'd gone back to Downton to unpack and settle into my room. Mary had apologised for not being able to help, but she said she had to go to London to 'sort some things out'. I had unpacked, but I was so tired, exhausted from that day's events, the car ride, the news. I had cried so much the night before, and felt so utterly drained that I fell into bed and slept until the early morning.

I had come to the hospital and took the seat next to Matthew's bed. I'd squeezed his hand as gently as I could in greeting, making sure I didn't touch his skinned and bruised knuckles, but he had pulled away from me. I'd have kissed his cheek, but apart from the scratches and bruises, I didn't want to. It wasn't that I was disgusted or frightened; it just didn't seem… it didn't _feel_ right.

As soon as I'd sat near him, he had asked if I knew about his condition.

"Yes, Mary told me." I admitted, feeling terrible that he hadn't known first…

"I'm sorry to burden you with my disability. I won't blame you for hating me for it." Matthew said, though it seemed he was half speaking to himself, hating _himself_.

"I don't care if you can't walk," I told him, and it was true, I didn't, "You must think me very feeble if you believe that would make a difference."

"I _know _it wouldn't…" Matthew whispered, staring up at the ceiling, then he glanced over to me, "and I love you so much for saying it. But there's something else…" Matthew swallowed hard, blinking away moisture in his eyes, "Which may not have occurred to you…" He shut his eyes, shaking his head slightly, "This is very difficult…" Matthew looked at me, "We can _never _be _properly_ married."

"What? Of _course_ we can be married." He couldn't _walk,_but he could use a wheelchair, that wouldn't stop him-

"_Not __properly.__" _he insisted, nearly crying.

For a moment, I sat there, not understanding. Then it struck me, and I nearly flinched at the actual prospect, "_Oh.__ I__ see.__"_

"That's why… I have to let you go." Matthew said, not at all firmly, but he'd made up his mind, I could see the decision in his eyes.

"But… that _side _of things, it's not important to me, I promise…" I reached for him, trying to _understand,_ why was he doing this?

"My darling, it's not important _now__… _but it _will_ be. I think it should be."

I couldn't say anything. I was being cast aside, dismissed. He didn't want me and I was to give up and leave. Leave him, leave Downton leave Ma-

"And I couldn't possibly be responsible… for _stealing __away_ the life you ought to have."

I didn't know what I was doing, what I was saying, but if he left me I would have nothing. Nowhere else, nothing else, no _one _else…

"I won't leave you," I placed my hand on his arm and he pulled away slightly, "I know you think I'm meek, and that I don't know what I'm taking on-"

"Oh, how _could_ you, for god's sake-" Matthew hissed.

"I'm not saying it'll be _easy,_ for _either_ of us, but just because a life isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't right!" I protested, my hand still on his arm, but Matthew closed his eyes, clenching his jaw and speaking though gritted teeth.

"I won't fight with you." he said, "But I won't _steal__ away_ your life…"

He spoke the words far easier than I thought he would, "Go home. Think of me as dead. Remember me as I was." Matthew then glared up at the ceiling fiercely, and did not look at me again.

I had nothing else to say to him, he wouldn't listen and I wouldn't beg for a marriage I didn't want. But as I stood and walked away, I took Mary's handkerchief out of my pocket and pressed it to my lips. I had stepped outside the hospital, and now fell back against the wall, crying into my hands, the soft fabric of the handkerchief stifling the sound. I didn't know what I would do, how I would tell the Crawleys, and Mary.

I didn't know anything of what would happen, and couldn't even dare to think of the outcome…

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

"Lavinia?" Mary's voice came from the open door, and I gasped when I saw her, stepping around the door, hesitance in her every move, in her face.

"You're back," I sniffed, pulling my wrap around me, hardly daring to glance at her, "How did you get on?"

"All right, I think," she sighed, and watched me for a moment, unsure of herself, it seemed, "How about you?"

How could I tell her what had happened? That I had been cast aside, for nothing, for no one? Just some judgement I did not understand, and I supposedly mean nothing now in the scheme of things. I had been written out, pushed away.

And I couldn't tell if I felt more upset or relieved.

"Matthew's told me to go home. He says he won't see me again."

Mary stared at me, speechless.

"He feels he has to 'set me free', as he put it," I suddenly wanted to bury my face in the blanket and cry, cry until my life dwindled away, "I've _tried _to tell him I don't _care,_ but he won't listen."

He wouldn't listen, and he never had. So maybe it was better I would be set free… Though free to do what? Be myself? I didn't know who that was.

I didn't know what I wanted, _who_ I wanted, I didn't know anything. Maybe that's why he left me. Because I was too much like a silly, naïve little girl…

"Then you must keep telling him…" Mary walked towards me from where she stood by the door, those few steps forward that brought her closer to me… I couldn't keep quiet any longer; I had to say it. These months of silence were like years; even hours seemed like decades when you withheld such a secret inside you.

Even if you didn't know what that secret was.

"I don't want to tell him," I whispered.

I said it, _was_ saying it, but it was so difficult I could barely speak the words, I didn't even know what they were.

I took a deep breath, "He must have never really wanted me, how else could he have…"

Mary sat on the bed next to me, "Lavinia…" she placed her hand on the blanket next to mine.

Was she trying to comfort me, console me?

"I never really loved him."

I had said it before I knew I had thought it. Mary said nothing, her chest rising and falling silently.

"I- I'm sorry if I've shocked you, but-"

"I'm not shocked," Mary took my hand, "I'm just _stunned__… _and desperately sad."

"Sad for me?" I couldn't believe her words, nor mine.

She nodded wordlessly, tears in her eyes, as upset as she had said.

"Why should you be?" I couldn't imagine why. We _were_ friends, though how close, I didn't know, and I wanted so _badly_ to know why she cared…

"Because I feel your pain as if it were my own," Mary said, and a tear spilled from her eye, "And the thought of you leaving Downton is tearing me apart at this very moment."

I couldn't look away from her, couldn't answer anyway other than what I felt, "It'd taste a lie for me to say anything but the same."

Mary reached for my face, and stroked her hand across my cheek, and I smiled, a sigh building in me at her touch. Then her hand slid across my cheek… into my hair, and my eyes closed at the intimacy of the motion, Mary's fingers buried into the curls of my hair… and she sighed. I glanced up at her face and her expression was heartbreaking, or it would be if my heart hadn't already broken for her… she leaned closer and my eyes fluttered shut once more.

Mary's breath whispered across my lips for a moment, and her cheek brushed against mine, her other hand against my neck, gently… so softly. Just Mary in my arms, felt like there was no world but this, as if everything was nothing and she was everything. She drew back to look at me, yet she was still so close, the tip of her nose brushing mine. Her eyes closed, mine shut, and her lips, so close to my own…

It would have tasted a lie to say leaving Downton wouldn't tear me apart, but that lie would never come from me, I'd never taste that lie. All I wanted was to taste the truth from Mary's mouth, the truth of what I felt…

Her lips…

"Mary…" I had gasped her name before I knew it, and she froze. Mary's eyes opened, her fingers still in my hair, and she gazed at me a moment, as if she didn't know what she had done or what she'd do next.

Her hands slid away from me, slowly, regretfully, and Mary stood, what was almost fear shone in her eyes, not moving, not speaking, not breathing.

"I'm- I'm sorry…" she breathed, and pressed her fingers softly to her lips.

I didn't know how I could tell her I wasn't sorry. I wanted what had almost been without knowing what that was… I _wanted_ that unknown, sweet embrace like I wanted water, without it I'd die. Without _her, _I'd die.

"I'm sorry." Mary's apology, her needless apology was now a gasp and, turning her back, she swept out of my room, before I'd even thought she would leave.

Leave _me_.

I sat there, stunned. I felt like I had lost my lungs… and my heart was working for them, pumping nothing through my veins. Nothing but air, nothing but nothing. What had I promised myself? That I would die without her? Perhaps not, but it certainly felt like it.

A breathless, empty sob escaped me as I sat there… and I had no idea why.

_TBC_

_This **isn****'****t** the end._

_I hope you guys will review/leave a message in my ask-box on my tumblr blog (link is on my Fanfiction profile)._

_Somehow, I think you will. *evil grin*_

_x kissthespider26_


	7. Chapter 6

_This was all swirling around in my head, and I kept taking more and more notes, even before I'd written the chapters before it. And now it's all coming together, and I hope you appreciate the… story. _

_I have changed dialogue and circumstances, happenings and events, as always._

_I hope you appreciate it. It was hard making myself write, I've been having trouble…_

_x_

Episode 6 - 1918

**Chapter 6**

_Lavinia POV_

It was very quiet. Here in my London home. I'd left Downton weeks ago, the very morning after Mary and I- oh, I don't know what it was. Or what it should have been.

_My small bag had been strapped to the back of the car, and I sat in the back seat, feeling this numbness creep over me, although it felt uncomfortably hot, rising up my chest. I was leaving. Matthew didn't want me. Mary-_

_I closed my eyes, trying to force the feeling away. My heart had immediately pounded faster as I thought her name, and then ached when I remembered our parting. Her leaving. Leaving me._

_Was she scared? Was I scared?_

_I looked up and thought I saw someone at one of the windows, but the curtain swirled back into place as the figure stepped away, the window held nothing for me now. _

_It would have been a suitable scene, my leaving Downton, never to return, if it were raining, but the sun shined down and there was not a cloud in the sky. Somehow, it made everything worse, and the world seemed less bright, with less hope. Or was I the only one?_

_The car started and I leant back against the seat, closing my eyes again. It did not matter if I cried; the chauffer would think I cried for Matthew. I would, if it were not for the fact I had broken my own heart, but not for my former fiancé. Someone far more like me, and yet so much more than I._

I shut the book I held, and placed it on the lounge next to me. The days had all begun to blur together, or was that last week that had started…? Or the week that came before that, or the very day I arrived here? I could hardly bring myself to call it _home _any more, all the life had drained out of me, save for that flame that flickered within.

Mary hadn't wanted me, she had left without a backwards glance, and I had let go of her just like that.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

_Dear Miss Swire,_

_I hope you are well and that the end of your visit to Downton last time was not too distressing for you. _

_I am writing to invite you for dinner, and to stay for awhile. Since your departure, Matthew regrets his words and would very much like for you to join us._

_We are expecting you for dinner tonight, I have arranged it all with Sir Richard, and he shall stop by your house in his car and bring you to Downton to dine with us._

_Please do come, dear, I'm sure Mary would love to see you._

_Lady Grantham_

I didn't know what to think, but I found myself dressing in my room before I even knew I'd made the decision to go. My fingers trailed across the dresses, the fabrics, the patterns, but I was deep in thought, not thinking of what to choose, only of what I was doing.

Mary… Mary had walked away, run away from me. I wouldn't run any more. I couldn't have what hid deep inside me, I couldn't even name that feeling… but this time I had to accept my life as it was laid out before me. This time I had to marry Matthew. However miserable we both may be in that union. I had nothing else, I had _no one _else.

Deep, deep inside, that force that I felt pulled me towards Downton. _Any_ chance to see Mary one more time.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

The drive to Downton had been long, silent and still. I sat rigidly, pressed to the seat and the door of the right side, Sir Richard relaxing on the other side, looking quite satisfied with himself. Perhaps he was delighted with the fact that I could distract Matthew, so as Mary would have no one to turn to.

Sir Richard hadn't been around Downton when I was there, so he mustn't know how _close_ I was with Mary. Well, no longer. Anyway, I mustn't think of that. I was here for one reason. To marry Matthew and not spend the rest of my days a lonely spinster. I _couldn't_ think of her.

But when I walked into the dining room, that thin veil I had created, any façade I _could_ create, feigned innocence, ignorance, anything to protect myself, so I would not fall apart, all that came tumbling, crashing down when I saw her.

Mary stood, shocked as she watched me, her eyes wide, and as it always was with her, I couldn't look away. Perhaps she thought she would never see me again. Perhaps she had hoped it. But I was here and the look that came into her eyes held none of the fear they had that night of our embrace.

Lady Grantham came forward to greet me, although she seemed the only one not stunned by my presence. Had they really been expecting me? Or had I been summoned to distract Matthew from Mary, to keep him company, only to be sent away once more? I didn't understand it all, and Mary's eyes still held mine, she was frozen, as was I. Matthew wasn't bitter, as he had been when I last saw him, when he told me to go… and I didn't blame him for that. He had lost a part of himself, his livelihood, and I felt horrible for forcing my way back into his life unwanted. I seemed to do that a fair bit.

"Can you take Matthew into the small library? Are you hungry?" Lady Grantham asked me, fretting and flustering, trying her best to restore the gap between me and my unwilling ex-fiancé. I could tell, as could Matthew. He did not scowl; he merely frowned sadly, turning away as I took hold of his wheelchair, pushing it out the door, feeling all the eyes of the Grantham family on my back as I did.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

I pushed the wheelchair through the door and into the small library, the one where I had sat with Mary, and told her of my secret…

"Nothing's changed." Matthew said to me, and I stepped around him so he could see me.

"I know it hasn't," was all I said, and although he remained firm in his words, he looked at me, his brow creasing, seeming uncertain as I sat on the couch in front of him.

I took a deep breath, and spoke, not knowing what to say or how to say it, "I don't know what I feel. I don't know how to explain myself, but I know you don't want to marry me. And that's fine."

Matthew blinked in surprise, he did not understand it all, nor did I, but he had to know at least some of this indefinite affair and why I came back. I was relieved, I admit, that I would not have to marry him and he would not have me. But that presented more of an issue, one I couldn't resolve.

"But I can't leave Downton."

Matthew listened to me, his face solemn, deep in thought.

"I _can't." _I repeated, desperate for him to know, but terrified of his probable reaction to knowledge of me and his former sweetheart, my once _possible_ sweetheart…

"Can you tell me why? _Why_ you…?" Matthew shook his head in confusion, leaning closer to me.

"No. But I can't leave. I have nothing, no one, and-" I closed my eyes for a moment, "If I knew, and when I do, I will tell you if I possibly can."

I couldn't leave her yet. I couldn't go; not without being sure she would be fine and happy, and safe, even with me no longer there. She deserved more than I could give her, and I would smile and ignore my own broken heart, if only for hers to be whole.

Carlisle didn't know her. He didn't appreciate her, and he certainly didn't love her. He wanted to _own _her, possess her, and the very thought of him marrying her, _branding _her with his ring on her finger and her in his arms, it filled me with a deep, cold rage that frightened me. I couldn't let him hurt her, as I knew he would. Only then would I leave, once all the poison of Carlisle was gone from her life and she was going to be all right.

Matthew had sat there a moment, or had it been more than a minute? watching me, a small smile on his face, not sad, just… not quite there. He was somewhere else, thinking? He wheeled himself out of the room, and I pressed my hands to my face, sighing in relief. Matthew didn't fully comprehend what I tried to tell him, but he acknowledged my position at Downton was no longer with him, but I had the strangest feeling he'd stay with me, as a protective brother, maybe. I had always wanted a brother.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

"Lavinia?"

I was remembering, recounting that night. I must have imagined her voice calling my name, as softly as she had then. I was still in the library, seated on one of the plush red sofas, and as Mary stepped around the narrow gap between the door and its frame, I stood quickly, smoothing down my dress.

"Hello."

She had said it instantly, and I answered her without a thought.

"Hello… Mary."

She smiled, so like herself in that moment, and I couldn't speak.

Mary's smile faded, and I had to say something, to break this terrible silence between us, with no words to use.

"Mary, I'm sorry, I never meant to-"

At my strangled half-whisper, Mary shook her head, her lips parting to speak, "No, please don't say that-" she took a step closer.

"I never meant to-"

I never meant to do a lot of things. I never meant to sully the names of the Cabinet Ministers while trying to help my father. I never meant to fall into an engagement with Matthew; I never meant to involve myself in a conflict with Richard Carlisle. And I had never known, and never meant to have such feelings for Mary. I didn't know such feelings _could_ be felt.

I could hardly look at her any longer; I didn't know what I would do. I looked down, tears blurring my vision. I tried to leave, wanting to run for the door, but Mary spoke, stepping towards me, her fingers closed around my wrist gently, she held me there without any force, only her hand softly encircling mine.

"Lavinia… don't go."

I looked up to see Mary, and couldn't describe the expression on her face. She looked about to cry. She seemed completely helpless, the first time I had seen her so.

"Come, sit with me."

Her hand still in mine, she led me back to the couch I had risen from, sitting next to me. She said nothing for a moment, only looking at my face, and then glancing down, like she wanted to say something.

"Last month… when I last saw you…." she hesitated, and shut her eyes, a dull glow in them, an expression that pained me to see on her face, "That night when we…"

She couldn't find the words, and they were lost to me too.

"Mary, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

And I was. Sorry that I had never _said_, sorry that I could never forget her, sorry for the feelings I felt for her, emotions I thought were not possible, not for me. This all broke me, broke me inside, and I couldn't stop the tears that came, coursing down my cheeks, all for her. I realised that I had begun sobbing helplessly, and Mary's fingers let go of mine, and she reached for me, her hands touching my face, she was so much closer…

"Oh, Lavinia." Mary murmured, and she drew me into her arms. Her cheek pressed to mine, she hushed me softly, whispering that it was all right. I knew then that she cared about me, I had never before seen her show this affection even to Carlisle, to Matthew, even to her family.

I felt the fabric of her skirt under my fingers, warm on her thigh, from where she had dropped my hand from her own to embrace me. My head, laid on Mary's shoulder, my face turned into her neck, our bodies were so close, her hand soft on my cheek, I could smell intoxicating perfume, and powder, and something else… the scent of her, her warmth, and her breath blowing gently into my hair.

My tears had stopped, how long had I been crying? And how long had she held me to her? Mary did not pull away, even after my sobs had quietened, my hand still resting on her thigh… she brushed her thumb across my cheeks, wiping my tears away. I had never been one to cry in the presence of another, but it was Mary who always seemed to make me forget myself. Every time she had been there with me, for me.

"There," she whispered, and at her voice, I leant back slightly so I could look into her face, to see her smiling, "do you feel better, Lavinia?"

"Yes." I whispered, with my head still resting on Mary's shoulder. Perhaps I should have shifted, moved away from her, but the safety of being in her arms left me no desire to leave them, and she did not seem at all uncomfortable. I glanced up again to see her face, instead to gaze into the fathomless depths of her brown eyes; their intensity shocked me, her fingers still gentle on my cheek.

Something formed in them, I could not tear my own eyes from her, I was happily imprisoned in her gaze. She brought my face to hers, my eyes closed. And then our lips were pressed together, so softly together, it could have been by her own want or mine; quiet, gasping breaths moving from my mouth to hers, and given again back.

Mary… she pressed the smallest, yet deepest kisses, gently to meet my own, which were tender and trembling, this was almost painful in the way I _longed_ for her. This couldn't possibly be happening. Mary, I was kissing _her, Mary… _the reality of it all, the raw emotion that she created in me was heart-wrenching, I could feel her lips moving with mine, so softly, I clutched at her, her neck, her face, her hair, _all _of her was so _beautiful _and _real…_

How soft could she be, not only her lips, but her skin brushing against mine, her hand still resting upon my cheek, her hair as I ran it through my fingers. The taste of her was like an unknown fruit, an unspoken desire, an uninhibited passion… Her sweetness was inviting me, taunting me, torturing me, as she stroked her fingers up the back of my neck, and to my chin, bringing my lips closer to her own. I lifted my head from her shoulder, wanting more of her.

Oh, god…

"Mary…" her name was a gasp from my lips as I pulled away and stood, though _wanting_ her back in my arms just like that…

Mary stood just as I took a step away, "Please…"

Her voice held me there. I did not move forward, but I was still half-turned to the door.

I felt Mary touch my shoulder, "The first night you came to Downton, I saw how you shied away from Matthew… when he would place his hand on your back…"

A sob escaped me, and I pressed my hand to my mouth, but she continued, she had known from the start, known my feelings and mirrored them. Mary's hand on my shoulder gently turned me as I watched her, I had begun to cry again, and her beauty was drowned as I looked at her through a veil of tears.

"And when you looked back. He didn't see you… you smiled at me…" she smiled through her tears as she said it, pressing her hand to my cheek, brushing my tears away once more with her fingers.

I _had _smiled at her. Yes, I had. She had seemed so lonely, so sad; she had haunted me from that night… I had thought of her every day, _more_ than that, of, course I thought of it as innocent concern, a fondness perhaps…

Mary knew. She knew she was the one who held my heart…

"How long have you felt for me, Lavinia?" Mary asked me gently, her voice was hushed as she leaned closer. I did not pull away, and I could not look away from her knowing eyes. How long? How long had I felt my heart race whenever I saw her? How long had I ached to run my fingers along her skin, and stroke her hair? I did not know… perhaps for much longer than I had realised. No one had ever made me feel what I felt for her. How long had I wanted to kiss her, kiss her soft, sweet mouth…

Mary's right hand moved from my neck to my waist, pulling me into her, and she kissed me again, this time she held me, closer than she should, and at the feel of her body against mine, my chest to hers, her hand on my hip created the most amazing stirrings deep within me. A whimper escaped my mouth, stifled by her lips, and I felt myself ache as a low moan sounded in her own throat at my response. Her left hand at my cheek, stroking, soft as she was, her lips now desperately frantic against mine, her right hand moved to my back, bringing me so much closer into her, so dangerously close, oh, _Mary…_

Her mouth moved from mine, gasping against my cheek, sighing against my skin. This couldn't end, not now… Mary still held me, breathing as I did and leant her forehead gently against mine, gazing at me through her eyelashes. I knew this was drawing to a close; she needed to be back with her family soon. But I never wanted this to stop, _never_ wanted her to go.

"Lavinia…" she sighed.

"I know…" I whispered. I knew she had to leave, but wanted it to last just a bit longer…

As if she had been hoping the same thing, Mary pressed one last kiss to my lips, a deep, lingering kiss, softly moaning as she did. My heart gave a sudden lurch, as if it would go with her when she left. Mary stepped away from me, her fingers lingering on my cheek for a moment, and went to the door. I had just tasted heaven on her lips, and her shy smile stayed a moment longer with her, and then she was gone, silently stealing away.

I sank onto the lounge, my fingers gripping the velvet cushion beneath me. With the longing she awakened swiftly thrumming within me; I found I could taste her on my lips.

There was a soft creak. I glanced around the room. I thought I had heard something, but Mary had gone, hadn't she?

It sounded like footsteps.

_Hidden-Forbidden-Passion_

I had sat there a few minutes more, silently musing on what must have been the most perfect moment of my life. Well, it would have been, had I had not cried so much. But the soft comfort Mary gave me, the most caring caresses…

I shook my head, trying to ignore the shivers that crept over me at the thought of her, and stood, making my way out of the small library and down the hall.

Hushed voices caught my attention, hissed words, and I recognised one voice as Mary's, the other was deeper, masculine and slick. I'd know that voice anywhere.

Richard Carlisle walked beside Mary, though she strode briskly and he had to try and keep up. I'd never seen them disagree before, and sometimes I had to remind myself that she was engaged to him, and _that _sent a shudder through me, though disgust was only one thing that caused it. I peeked round the pillar I stood behind, hardly thinking of propriety at that time, watching Mary shrug away his hand that grasped her shoulder.

"…Lavinia Swire seemed an appropriate _distraction_ for Matthew Crawley," Carlisle followed behind Mary, trying to assure her, though nothing in his tone or face could calm her, "Don't start on me about your little friend, I want-"

"Suppose he doesn't _want _her back, have you thought of that?" Mary's voice was almost challenging him, and I held my breath, gritting my teeth together.

"He needs someone to look after him." Carlisle spoke thoughtfully, ignoring Mary, "And _you'll _be too busy with our new life."

Mary didn't like to be pushed or ordered around, and this incensed her, "Look, I know you're used to having your own way-"

Carlisle grabbed her arm, yanking her away behind a wall, though I could just see them. Without thinking, I walked closer, my fingers sliding along the rough stone wall I stepped around.

"I _am _used to having my own way, and now I'll say something I hope I won't have to repeat." His voice was low and dangerous, and Mary twisted her wrist, trying to get his hand off hers, but his grip only tightened.

"_Get off me." _Mary spat, almost pushing him away, but now Carlisle held both her arms to her sides, he was almost flat against her, my hands began to shake, from anger or fear, I didn't know.

"If you think you can jilt me, or in some way set me aside, you are making a _very big mistake_."

Carlisle enunciated those last three words, his threat hung in the air over them, and over me watching them, though they didn't know it.

"I tell you now, Richard, if you do not take your hands off me, then _you _will be making a bigger mistake." Mary matched his tone, no fear in her eyes, and they flashed as she spoke.

He did not seem at all bothered by her words, "Or what, _Lady Mary?_"

"I _saw _what you did to Lavinia." Mary wouldn't flinch or even blink. At her expression, I was strongly reminded of the hot, numbing anger I felt when I thought of Carlisle hurting her…

"I've noticed you've been spending a fair bit of time with Miss Swire," Carlisle was smiling, but it was not a smile that reassured.

Mary didn't seem interested in distraction. She leant forward slightly, almost hissing her words from between her teeth, "I saw the bruise on her arm; I know what you said. I know what you did to her."

"Oh, you do, do you?" Carlisle leant back, smirking, "I suppose I've left my mark on her. Help her to remember what I am _capable_ of…" Carlisle leant in again, almost whispering to Mary, I could hardly hear him, "What kind of mark have _you _left on her?"

Mary froze. I couldn't breathe.

"What?" Mary practically mouthed the words; she was so completely shocked and horrified. Out of all the people who could possibly have known, ever have _seen-_

"You seem very fond of her, am I right?" Carlisle smiled, seeing he had her attention, "Such a _close bond. _A lovely friendship."

Mary didn't dare take her eyes off him, "What do you want?" she demanded, "You can't use this against me, you have no proof and who would believe it?"

"Say what you like, you have given me the power to _destroy you_. And don't think I won't use it. Your salacious appetite has got the better of you. And with _Lavinia-" _he almost laughed and Mary looked almost murderous.

"Don't even endeavour to presume _anything_ of me and Lavinia." Mary says, it's almost a warning, although next to Richard Carlisle's, her words might not have much power, her eyes were telling. She hated him. She loved me. Though my heart ached in happiness at her defence, I was speechless with worry, and feared for everything we had, which was practically nothing but each other.

"I want to be a good husband…" Carlisle began, but Mary cut across him, fury in her words.

"I'd rather _die_ than be your wife." Mary snarled, at this Carlisle's hand closed around her wrists again, this time shaking with rage.

"Don't _**ever**_ cross me!" he nearly roared in her face, and she raised her arms-

The sharp gasp left me before I realised it had. Mary's eyes flashed to mine, terror clear on her face, and she shook her head minutely. Was she trying to tell me something? To leave, to run? Carlisle turned and saw me, a nasty grin on his face. I wasn't hiding in the shadows any more, I had stepped forward, his back had been to me, I had clenched my hands into fists, though I could do nothing to protect her.

I walked over to them, and Carlisle dropped his hands from Mary. She rushed to me, though I was only a few feet away, and took my hands. I lifted her hands to my lips, kissing the white skin of her wrists where Carlisle had held so tight. I didn't care if he saw, but his gaze made me feel like I was doing something wrong, and I hated him for it.

My fingers linked through Mary's, I turned to Carlisle, feeling small and stupid. Though with Mary here none of that mattered. I held my head high, staring him right in his eyes.

"Well, _this _I didn't expect," Carlisle admitted, shaking his head, "Mary, I knew you were a little slut, but-"

The hot surge of anger that rushed through my body pushed me forward, and I wanted to slap him, hit him, scratch his eyes out. Mary's gentle hands became restraints as I lunged for his face, "Lavinia, shh…"

Her soft voice in my ear brought me back, but my heart still pounded strangely fast, as if it were pushing revenge through my veins, and I nearly spat at him.

"How dare you, you thoughtless bastard. She is anything _but."_

Carlisle blinked, and smiled at Mary, as if they shared a secret, "So she's not told you…?" his smile became almost gleeful.

"You-" Mary began, but Carlisle would hear nothing but his own voice. He turned to me, determined.

"You think she loves you, that you're her only one?"

"Mary, what does he mean?" I had to ask her, but she couldn't look at me, _wouldn't _look at me.

"Don't-" Mary started, looking at Carlisle, trying to stop him from saying something. Saying _what?_

She turned to me, tears in her eyes, taking my face in her hands, frantically whispering to me, "_Don't_ listen to him, Lavinia, _don't listen_-"

"You think Mary's all yours? You think she's never lusted for another?"

"No, Richard, _please, _don't-" Mary was almost begging him now, and as she reached out, he said it, like an absolution.

"She gave herself to another. Another _man._"

I couldn't speak for a long time, I didn't know how long. Though there was one thing I had to ask.

"Mary…"

"Please don't listen to him, Lavinia, please-" Mary was pleading with me, her hands at my face, in my hair, trying to embrace me, but I did not move. I could not move.

"Is it true?" My words had no feeling in them, I just had to know. _Please don't let it be true. _I prayed to the God I didn't believe in. I begged her with my eyes, I screamed at Carlisle in my mind.

"Darling…" tears were shining in her eyes, as she put her hand to my cheek.

"_Is it true_?" I demanded, shaking at her response, at her faltering to answer me.

"Well, go on, Mary, tell her the _truth." _Carlisle says over Mary's shoulder.

That boiling hatred within me seemed to freeze. All I felt was dread.

"Yes." was all she said, bowing her head.

I closed my eyes. I felt like I'd been gutted. Like I'd had all my bones ripped out of me. He did that. _She _did that.

Mary cupped my cheek, bringing me closer to her, trying to look in my eyes, "But it was years ago, _years_ ago, before I'd met you and I didn't-"

I couldn't hear her over my heart's screaming. The tears wouldn't go but they wouldn't come. They flooded my eyes, yet none touched my cheeks.

There was a buzz of voices that turned my head. The Grantham family had left the drawing room. They were coming. Mary must have turned back, but I had walked away before she could find me, my hand slipping from her grasp, and falling against the cool fabric of my dress.

Mary was killing me, every time she turned around. Every glance and smile. Every touch, kiss and taste. This was like nothing I'd ever felt. And it would be the last thing I'd ever feel.

_TBC_

_I'd love a review. I really would._

_Link to my blog is on my Fanfiction profile. you can ask anonymously there._

_x kissthespider26 _


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